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John Kasich Hoping to be Knock-Out Victim

DILLON, SC — ICBTS News Presidential candidate and Ohio governor John Kasich found himself wandering  a dangerous South Carolina neighborhood last week, looking for someone to knock him out cold — literally. “I’m behind the curve on this,” he told reporters, “this expression of young urban identity– this knock out game where distressed young kids..

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Christmas, Roundabout…

I have a soft spot for anyone seeking an explanation for the universe, and our place in it.  I suppose that even includes the judgmental and the irritating, because the pursuit itself is desperate for self assurance.  We’re all trying to box up our foggy doubts, to turn our spiritual conjecture into solid stepping stones,..

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Pope Seeking I Love Lucy “Fred Mertz” Look

VATICAN (ICBTS News) Highly placed confidential sources close to Pope Francis may help explain the recent trip and fall incidents plaguing the holy father.  He is apparently experiencing a great deal of fatigue from cosmetic surgery designed to make him look more like 1950s television star William Frawley who played the character Fred Mertz in I..

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Hillary Clinton Binge Watches “Man in the High Castle”

PEELER, IOWA (ICBTS News) An advance team prepping for Hilary Clinton’s Tuesday appearance here awkwardly stalled and then admitted the candidate had cancelled all Sunday meetings in order to binge watch Amazon Studios “The Man in the High Castle.”  Set in 1962, the period counterfactual drama, based on the novel by Philip K. Dick, asks the..

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Safe Space Approved for Horny, Ugly Freshmen

Glendrop, Texas  (Rooters) The waiting paid off for 30 Glendrop University freshmen yesterday, even if they are a little ugly. After three days of occupying the women’s locker and shower facilities at memorial stadium, university president Dale Hatch agreed to both a) resign and b) obligate the university to the construction of a horny safe..

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Sharing My Failures

We’re enduring, in America, another populist love affair with socialism, or “democratic Socialism,” as Bernie Sanders defines it, where the old fella seems to admit the government may not be able to manufacture working dishwashers, but it can, somehow, guarantee the lifestyle of the middle class.  Hillary Clinton joined in the chorus and declared that..

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