Georgetown, Washington, DC • ICBTS News

At the posh Newman-George Badminton Club, Bill Kristol, the former editor of the Weekly Standard, announced his intention to run for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2020.

“Should I secure the nomination,” Kristol said to at least two dozen club members taking high tea, “it’s very likely that a dynamic young DNC rising star like Kamala Harris would win the general election, and this will give us a chance to re-establish both conservatism and Republicanism by losing with Mitt Romney style graciousness. I look forward to modeling the sort of genteel ineffectiveness that made the GOP great.”

Kristol then made a series of asides, sprinkled with Latin, comparing his proposed presidential run to the statesmanlike way he allowed a Marxist diplomat from South America to secure the club’s chairmanship of last summer’s “Shuttlecock Serenade”—a gentlemanly forfeiture that resulted in the wine cellar being looted and destroyed. When asked by a reporter if that was the best example of his leadership, Kristol characterized the fiasco as a costly but substantial victory for neo-conservatism.

Specific campaign promises included a strict ban on hiring anyone with an entertainment background, or anyone who had ever attended a beauty pageant or a prize fight. Staffers would be taught how to be lied about, spat on, ridiculed, and physically attacked without responding.

Kristol—who named a dead, pseudonymous 18th century patriot for person of the year, over a live tax-cutting American president—insisted that no victory for conservatism could be respected if it doesn’t come with suitable dissertations on the Edmund Burke and John Locke antecedents.

“Even if it’s conservative,” Kristol said, “we absolutely can’t have it, if it’s popular as well.”