Hollywood, CA  ICBTS News

A food service worker at the El Capitan Theater in Hollywood narrowly escaped a large rolling ball of pure sanctimony that slid off the stage, past several crew members and into a temporary work area.

Hector Ruiz of Documented Catering Services was given first aid treatment for an abrasion he received trying to avoid the large, speeding green ball of hubris, when the comedian began lecturing the audience about history and gun violence.

“It broke loose, like a big exploding goiter,” Hector said, “when Kimmel was talking about repenting before God for the gun lobby. I haven’t seen one this big. He doesn’t talk about God much, so it must have given it some extra steam or something.”

The rolling green ball careened down a hallway, past security, and out into the street, where several pedestrians complained of headache and memory loss when it passed by.

“The best I can describe it,” said Jake Hallwell, 27 of Glendale, “is like a feeling of sudden, intense stupidity and pride at the same time.”

The Los Angeles Police Department and staff members from the Department of Public Works wrangled the yard-size ball onto a flatbed, where it was secured later in the evening.  “We would have taken care of it sooner,” said one source, off record, “but we had an active shooting situation nearby, that was fortunately brought to an end by a citizen with a concealed carry permit.”