The Idiot’s Guide to Political Battle Planning
My people are generally conservatives, church-goers, traditionalists and home-schoolers, the sort of people who fear God and fold their underwear neatly — which means they are usually idiots on the political battle field.
There are different standards, my gentle Christian friends, for warfare, courtrooms, and political elections. You had better learn them. Your enemies — as WikiLeaks and James O’Keefe have made clear — are willing to lie about you, question your motives, and bring the full weight of the law down against you, even if you’ve done nothing wrong. Anyone who has watched Debbie Wasserman Schultz speak, for even five minutes, knows she is quite willing not only to spin, but to lie through her teeth, but some of you nice folk think your enemies will respond to kindness and reason. How many ambassadors have to be killed, how many bribes have to be taken, how many “tough” oversight hearings must that nice Jason Chaffetz youngster conduct, without any real penalties being imposed, before you realize that you are fighting a war, and a dirty one at that?
There’s no easy way to say this: stop being a fool.
I’ve drafted seven rules for Christian political warriors. Read them around the dinner table and teach them to your children, and then go kick your pastor’s butt if he doesn’t get on board:
- If you are in a court room, falsely accused of grand theft, and your lawyer spends 80% of his time, politely acknowledging the prosecutor’s good points, smiling and nodding whenever one of the enemy’s lies sounds plausible, then you need to stand up in court and say, “your honor, I object; my attorney is a polite, incompetent pussy. Please hold this proceeding until I can find a real lawyer.” Christian, get back to your Bible. Did John the Baptist greet the Pharisees with a festive cucumber and lemonade libation? No, he knew the enemy when he saw them and he put them on warning. When you pick a political candidate to fight for your homes, your families, your liberties, pick someone who likes to fight. Remember King David who blessed God for “training his hands up to war?” Remember Paul’s lamentations against the effeminate? We need fewer Mitt Romneys, frankly, and more real men like Newt Gingrich, Donald Trump and Sarah Palin.
- Even if your candidate has problems, during the election season, it is not your job to point them out. The enemy will do that. Have you ever gone on a sales call where a colleague seems to be making the case against buying the product? Fire that guy. Get him out of your camp. Make him walk around in sack cloth and ashes until after the election.
- Stop listening to Tokyo Rose. Remember those World War II movies, where our soldiers would tune into enemy propaganda by mistake? There they were — about to blast emperor worshiping Japan into dust — and some carping Jezebel tried to discourage them with news of false American battle losses. What if they actually listened to that witch? If you are in a fight, do what Gideon did, get rid of the cowards and the scorners and the second-guessing buffoons. You don’t need those voices around you. Turn off CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, and MSNBC unless you are just gathering intel. If you hear friends repeat those lies, approvingly, crack the whip and remind people you are at war.
- Don’t cast your pearls before swine. God made even the wicked for the day of destruction. If they won’t listen to reason, dust your feet.
- Never engage in protest votes or third party Emerald City schemes. America has elected either a Republican or a Democrat since 1852. You may encounter a well meaning “conscience voter” who shows you a pamphlet with a picture of a CPA from Butte Montana running for president. You’ve never heard of him. Neither has anyone else. These people are well meaning, but they are helping the enemy.
- If someone in church tells you that you worship politics, because you want a better, safer, freer country, smile at them and say, “get thee behind me, Satan.” God put you on earth to make a difference. Make it — and rebuke anyone else who isn’t willing to help.
- Your fellow warriors, and your candidate–if I haven’t made this absolutely clear–won’t be as gentle, patient and virtuous as Irma Barrett, who taught you how to play chopsticks in first grade and taught you the love of Christ. The man you pick to lead you will have to stare down violent third world dictators and sub-human Jihadists. He may have a flask of whiskey in his pocket and he may use language you don’t use in Sunday School. He may be the guy God picks to rub shit in the face of your enemies. (It’s in the Bible, folks, see Malachi). When he comes along to rescue you from a burning building, don’t ask to see his purity ring.
Church people, I love you, but you need to wise up.
