ICBTS News • Lansing, Michigan

Michigan leadership has gone to war against unmasked Facebook emojis.

“Just try me,” Governor Gretchen Whitmer said, according to an unnamed source, “and see if I don’t get Facebook shut down completely in Michigan, using the emergency powers act.”

Social media consultants in the governor’s office were alarmed to see that the governor is most frequently drawing the “laugh” emoji, followed by the “anger” emoji — neither of which, like the “wow” and “sad” emojis feature a protective mask.  Even the thumbs up emoji appears to be gloveless. “Whenever a politician ranks ‘laugh-anger-wow-sad’ in that order,” our source said, “it’s a sign that they have jumped the shark, politically.  It tends to indicate a political figure that has become a kind of comic afterthought.”

The official position of the governor’s office is that Facebook is shamelessly promoting unhealthy paradigms by allowing human emotion to be depicted without a mask.

“We have to think of what kind of example we’re setting for our children,” said the governor, who considers abortion services a life-saving, essential service. “Do we want them to think they can just take off their masks and laugh at me–or anyone, really?”