Glendrop, Texas (Rooters)
The waiting paid off for 30 Glendrop University freshmen yesterday, even if they are a little ugly.
After three days of occupying the women’s locker and shower facilities at memorial stadium, university president Dale Hatch agreed to both a) resign and b) obligate the university to the construction of a horny safe space zone for incoming freshman.
“We’re about two issues,” said freshman Tim Landers, “removing the stigma from being horny-ugly and creating a safe place for students to be horny-ugly on campus.”
“This is all about a safe way to be both unconventional in your looks and at the same time really amorous,” Dexter Timmons said, choking back emotion. “We stuck it out here. We basically said a NCAA women’s volleyball game is not as important as the feelings of horny, homely men who need love just like everyone else.”
President Hatch, who came to university administration from a corporate background, was widely seen as being heavy-handed with the concerns of horny, ugly men. “Fellas,” he told one reporter, “get a job and earn some money; the ladies will find you a whole lot more attractive.” Both feminist groups and Gender-Confused International roundly condemned his use of the term “lady,” which hasn’t been used on campus, or in academic circles, for years.
“Everybody has the right to feel like they’re hot. Cute chick privilege is over,” Timmons said, taking a deep breath, before blubbering on a friend’s shoulder.
