Mobile, AL – ICBTS News

In the ongoing Roy Moore story, unnamed reporters at the Washington Post and the New York Times have told ICBTS News that, in addition to mounting evidence that heterosexual males do exist in Alabama, an even more alarming trend is affecting the Alabama election: male heterosexual thoughts.  Long completely dormant in many blue states, male heterosexual thinking patterns are coming forward, coaxed out into the open by the gravity of this year’s election.

One New York based female reporter told ICBTS news that an Alabama man in his late twenties tipped his John Deere baseball cap in her direction at a country diner.  The exchange — though, of course, deeply offensive — gave her the opportunity to chronicle what appear to be deeply entrenched sexist and even patriarchal ideas.  The young man, upon questioning, revealed that he had been working two jobs for eight years and saving up for a house, so that he could go courting “some little lady.”  When pressed as to what exactly he meant by “little” lady, the man became evasive, if weirdly dreamy sounding.  “Oh, I don’t know, some girl mom would like.  Some pretty little thing.”

Other female reporters have indicated an even more archaic pattern by blue state standards: Many Alabama men are actually attracted to younger women. “It’s a very primitive mating assumption,” one Washington Post female reporter told ICBTS, “they think it will increase their family size. Having secured the nest, the war eagle wants as many eaglets as possible.  It’s disgusting.”  Even the National Review, a traditionally conservative perspective on the news, lamented ongoing heterosexual male assumptions that might affect the Alabama election.  “With the exception of Victor Davis Hanson, we’ve completely purged the hetero-normative thing around here.”

In addition to the shocking and unprecedented attraction to younger women, one reporter revealed a backward male attachment to questioning the veracity of a claim made 40 years after the fact. “We all know,” said one reporter, “that the more outrageous and dated the claim, the more we need to believe it in every detail.”