Washington, DC — ICBTS News

At a press conference this morning, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell revealed personal, first hand knowledge of Judge Roy Moore dating indiscretions taking place more than 40 years ago.  Appearing next to famed feminist attorney, Gloria Allred, McConnell revealed that he could confirm inappropriate behavior on the part of Judge Moore because he was hiding in the back seat of the Alabama senate candidate’s car in the late 1970s.

“I had hoped Judge Moore would do the right thing and drop out of the race,” McConnell said, “but I’ve been forced into this awkward position so as to reveal the truth.”

Allred kept one hand on the senator’s back as he appeared to get emotional. “We all know,” Allred volunteered, “this is not political because Senator McConnell has been an ardent supporter of President Trump and other Republican candidates. No one has supported President Trump more than Mitch McConnell, so this is difficult for him.”

When asked how McConnell — who was then serving as Judge/Executive in Jefferson County, Kentucky — could have been surreptitiously observing the romantic life of Roy Moore in Etowah County, Alabama, McConnell appeared to bristle.  “Look,” he said, “this meets the two witness standard. Unbeknownst to Roy, I was crouched on the rear seat floor boards, under a blanket, listening.  What I heard was awkward.  Bible verses, followed by obvious kissing sounds.  After these encounters, I would quietly let myself out and get an Uber home.”

The revelation was immediately given extra gravity by a nodding, solemn Mitt Romney who was visiting the capital on behalf of Bain Capital in an unrelated matter.  John McCain wandered into the room midway, appeared confused, and then left, blurting out, cryptically, “of course!  Get the emails.”

“The future of civil discourse,” McConnell said, “is just too important to leave in the hands of voters who might not be aware of all the things I know, and all the various deals that are pending around here.”