Minneapolis, MN — ICBTS News

Reformed Pastor whips himself with cat o nine tails in penance for Trump Voters…

Pastor John Piper, president of Bethlehem College & Seminar, shocked the reformed Evangelical world recently when he accused God of making a terrible mistake in allowing Donald Trump to be elected president.

“Although I believe in the absolute sovereignty of God, it’s becoming clear that there was some sort of divine slip-up, a cosmic boo-boo if you will, when the Great High King of the Universe allowed Donald Trump to be elected president.”

Citing police brutality in the Michael Brown case, Piper declared that people of color would not be able to understand Americans electing Donald Trump.  Declaring that he was coming as a “watcher” and a “pursuer” and a “lover,” Piper spent several moments wringing his hands, breathing heavily, hemming and hawing about “reformed” movements, and declaring himself “no expert” on the way to finally concluding God simply would not be able to get black people to understand divine thinking in this matter. When reminded that more people of color voted for Donald Trump than Mitt Romney and that Barack Obama’s justice department had found no evidence of wrong doing in the Michael Brown case, Piper appeared confused, but dived back into his lamentation.

“It’s clear that God mis-calculated here and just does not spend enough time with people of color,” Piper said.  “Now it will be up to white evangelicals to admit their guilt and privilege. Personally, an old Catholic tradition is possibly in order now.  The hair shirt and the scourge. It’s time for white people to start bleeding a little.”

In an embarrassing conclusion, Piper took off his shirt and attempted to draw blood with a cat o nine tails.  Despite yelling “ouch” several times, the seventy-one year old pastor was unable to draw blood.  Medical technicians on the scene later confirmed that Piper did indeed give every appearance of being bloodless.