The Director of MOO (Ministry of Outcomes) Congressional Testimony
(Sometime in the not too distant future)
Members of Congress thank you for allowing me this time to address what has become an embarrassing reality for the 15,000 federal employees who have given their lives to MOO. As you know, Congress established MOO, the Ministry of Outcomes, to bring basic economic, political and social fairness to the American people. We all remember the frustrated lamentation of that extremist academic, Jordan Peterson, who called equality of outcomes an “appalling doctrine.” Indeed, his question “how many group differences are you going to equalize across?” — a question he regarded as self-evidently foolish — actually excited fairness advocates around the world, who took Dr. Peterson’s question seriously. Were Asian American Lesbians with Respiratory problems fairing as well as White Trans-gendered Ectomorphs Who Identified as Native Americans? The problems Dr. Peterson thought silly and appalling we took seriously. Congress took those problems seriously. MOO was born.
In recent weeks, the media has brought to light some of our failures. Specifically, we are here today to address the problems of Agnostic Postal Workers who Destroy Mail and are Currency-phobic. “Apwodemcics”
Chairwoman: How many fit in that category?
Director: Before the media stories broke, we had identified fourteen of these people nationwide, but after the spotlight highlighted this condition, we now have documented nearly 1700 cases.
Chairwoman: Could you describe the condition in more detail?
Director: Certainly. These are postal workers who believe there is spiritual and emotional freedom achieved by taking their assigned mail cartons and throwing them in a dumpster or a ravine or a storm drain or what have you.
Chairwoman: Is this.. an impairment of some sort?
Director: Oh, no. This is an identity. There is no pray-the-throw-away-away. That is now considered backward thinking.
Chairwoman: My deepest apologies. Are apwodemcics subject to harassment?
Director: Very much so. Feelings of self doubt and worthlessness. Depression.
Director: Their supervisors and co-workers don’t understand them. Many postmasters have to field angry calls from neighbors who don’t get their mail. Normative postal workers resent them for getting off early in the day. That sort of thing.
Chairwoman: Explain “currency-phobia”
Director: Specifically, they don’t like paper money, checks, credit cards or bank accounts.
Chairwoman: And this became a problem because–
Director: Well it’s difficult assuring equality of economic outcome when someone is violently opposed to money. That’s how we measure fairness.
Chairwoman: Violently opposed?
Director: Oh, yes, some MOO field workers have been assaulted merely for offering apwodemcics a check.
Chairwoman: so how have you responded?
Director: By paying their bills, providing their groceries, paying their gardeners. They never turn that down.
Chairwoman: So why are you now under fire?
Director: Lack of resources. We simply don’t have enough field workers to perform these services on time. Currency-phobia affects thousands of other category permutations as well.
Chairwoman: How can we help?
Director: Well, as you know every federal worker begins employment with two weeks of vacation, escalating to six weeks over time, with 12 federal holidays. And with personal days, sick days, in service training, we’re lucky if we get three full months of labor a year, so we’re asking for 5,000 new staff members a year.
Chairwoman: And you’ve added an “accountability sunset provision” as well.
Director: That’s right. If we haven’t achieved much more fairness in ten years, as in a great deal more fairness, we promise to take a good long hard at ourselves.
Chairman: That’s very generous. Thank you for your public service.