Redwood City, CA  ICBTS News 

It’s usually the moment when the whole congregation erupts in applause, but when Derek Woods was given permission by the minister to kiss his bride, Debbie Thurgood, their best man suddenly took a knee at the front of the church, along with several groomsmen.

“Listen,” explained best man Harold Foster, “I like these two people.  Obviously.  But I’m not going to stand by, lock-step, and just endorse the institution of marriage and pretend like they’re going to be happy and everything. There are some very obvious problems with marriage as an oppressive homage to patriarchy, and these two people aren’t exactly paragons of virtue either.  Some of the groomsmen and I just decided we couldn’t take it.  We want the whole thing to go on and everything, but we were just going to make this silent show of protest at the ridiculous notion of celebrating marriage.”

When asked who paid for his tuxedo and the sumptuous dinner he was enjoying, Harold refused to budge. “Look, don’t play that game.  Just because they picked me as best man doesn’t mean I have to conform to every little ideological detail here.  I have the right, as an American, to make a stink during someone’s sacred occasion.”

Groomsman Tim Oliver agreed. “Our buddy Derek is up against some really painful restrictions as a result of all this.  Are we just supposed to be silent about that?”

The parents of the bride, Tom and Pamela Thurgood, were not as happy about the demonstration.  “I hired that kid to write some advertising copy once,” Tom said. “Despite seven years of undergraduate study and two advanced degrees, he appeared startled by the concept of subject verb agreement.  I’m not surprised about his performance art. He’s about 47 cards short of a full deck.”

Things got terribly out of hand, later that evening, when guests complained about the condition of the Baywood Country Club restrooms.  One staff custodian appeared sensitive to their concerns, but the rest of the staff were kneeling down in the hallway, with their heads down — paying respect to their first amendment right not to replace the toilet paper.