Madison, WI – ICBTS News
A new study from Hollick University indicates that the once thriving Russian Collusion denomination is rapidly losing membership, especially among younger worshipers.
“In the beginning it was really exciting,” said 24 year old Matt Sperling, sporting a #WalkAway t-shirt. “I can remember having a lot of faith that Adam Schiff was sincerely trying to root out Russian influence over our elections, but, gradually, that soulful, worried look Mika and Joe would give each other on MSNBC just looked like a couple losing faith in a fairy tale.”
“I did some digging,” said Sarah Maplewood, an 18 year old first year student, “and I found out my grandparents ridiculed anyone sniffing Soviet influence back in the 1950s. You can imagine how troubled I was when I found out there really were dangerous Communists in DC back then. It was like a double-whammy. I can’t even watch Rachel Maddow anymore. It’s like some sort of mind f—, knowing there was no Russian collusion by the accused now, but the accusers are probably guilty of it. I’m done. It’s too confusing.”
Rob Reiner, a film director and Russian Collusion traditionalist, continues to hope young people will keep finding ways to conclude America is really being run by Russian oligarchs, but he admits the faith may need to change to make it more plausible for people who don’t get their news from MSNBC and CNN. “We may have to get back to our old strategy of promising lots of free stuff and pretending the world will end in ten years.”