Washington, DC • ICBTS News

A gaunt and exasperated Lucifer took a break from a global environmental conference yesterday to assure reporters that–contrary to the claims of  prominent Southern Baptist Pastor Thabiti Anyabwile–opposition to reparations is not the “devil’s work.”

“Let’s keep our eyes on the prize,” said the Prince of Darkness, “this green new deal has a chance of starving literally billions of people over the next ten to twenty years, and we’re getting side-tracked on the slavery issue. Most people are de facto tax slaves anyway, in the United States, at least the ones we really want in slavery — employers, intact families, etc.”

“I get the whole thing about making evangelicals look bad.  I’ve been doing that for going on 21 centuries now, but I’ve got a pretty subtle brand to protect, frankly, and the reparations idea is so stupid, it’s just going to make the forces of darkness look awful.”

When asked about the “woke” church movement, on the contrary, Satan warmed to the topic. “Oh, generally, that’s beautiful. Bad grammar AND bad theology. I love it.  I mean if I could love something, I would love that.”