Washington, DC • ICBTS News
In the wake of federal indictments against powerful industry titans and celebrities who have been accused of gaining their children’s elite college admission through bribery, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has weighed in on the side of more bribe funding.
“Why,” asked the congresswoman, “should only the rich and powerful have a Stanford or a Harvard education? If you find homework difficult, why shouldn’t more people have access to the kind of money you need to bribe a sailing coach?”
“Not everyone feels the call to study,” she continued. “Those SAT logic questions can be really tricky. Is it fair that every option is not open to everyone?”
When asked how the country would fund an average bribe of $500,000 for each of the 4 million Americans entering college each year, Ocazio-Cortez threw up her hands and said “how can we afford not to?”
Forget about the Princeton Review and US News lists. We now know that there is only one completely unbiased way to rank the top colleges, and that is to compare how much parents are willing to pay to buy their kid’s way in. I’m also sure that the admissions officers at these prestigious universities which have been shaking down alums and well-connected “friends of the college” for the past two or three centuries are shocked to learn that this sort of thing has been going on right under their noses.
Just got a reassuring letter today..
“By now you may have seen news that the U.S. Justice Department has charged several dozen people around the country, including Stanford’s head sailing coach, as part of an alleged bribery scheme to try to win the admission of prospective students to a number of U.S. colleges and universities.
This behavior runs completely counter to Stanford’s core values…”
Pfew. Now I know that the core values were safe the whole time..
Those core values have proudly remained unchanged since Leland built the Transcontinental Railroad.
By the way, the fitting penalty for this heinous offense is to put this “student athlete” in a sailboat during an intercollegiate regatta and see if she can keep from capsizing.