McLean, VA —  ICBTS News

Presidential Candidate and former VP Joe Biden announced yesterday he will be leaving this week on what he is boldly calling an “International Shakedown Tour.”

“It’s a sad reality, but in politics, you need to raise the bucks,” Biden said, “and I’ve found a fun and efficient way to do it.  I call it ‘Runway Shakedown.’  I never even get off this luxury liner”, referring to his lavishly modified Boeing 757 campaign jet.  “I just say, ‘this baby is taking off in two hours and if I don’t get the cash, or you don’t go easy on one of my close associates, say goodbye to a cozy relationship with the Good Ship Biden.  You want the bucks from my administration someday, you better start paying ’em now.'”

Biden plans stops in Beijing, Moscow, Indonesia, and Saudi Arabia with four days of scorched-earth South America visits to follow.

“I’m working on my Spanish,” Biden says, “but I don’t have to be very good at pronunciation, if you know what I mean. Money talks.”

Asked if this was good timing, considering Trump impeachment proceedings that could reflect badly on Biden’s heavy-handed and  likely illegal intervention on behalf of his son in Ukraine, Biden scoffed.

“It’s different when we do it,” he said, and then insisted on finding out what kind of a jack-ass would even ask such a question.