Cambridge, MA • ICBTS News

A rattled David Hogg was escorted off the Harvard Campus yesterday as troubling news leaked about a confession he made to a fellow student regarding his childhood affection for the hetero-normative television sit-com, “Friends.”

“Confessions simply aren’t enough,” said fellow student, Ming Lee-Trowbridge.  “The fact that David actually laughed at such horribly hetero-normative assumptions, and such unbridled heterosexual story lines, well, it’s terribly disappointing coming from someone so instrumental in fighting America’s gun-as-penis fixation.   It’s heart breaking.”

Hogg attempted to defend himself by claiming this was a confession for past indiscretions, but a group of students, led by Lee-Trowbridge, refused to budge.  “He chuckled, recounting some of the Monica and Chandler story lines!”

Ming Lee-Trowbridge who, along with several of her classmates, identifies as “furry,” watched Hogg escorted out of his Harvard house wearing her giant panda costume.  “If he were a statue,” she yelled, “I would pull him down!”

The Harvard Dean of Students office released a terse statement concerning the event: “Our abiding commitment to inclusivity is a process, not a standard, and its daily evolution brings with it new evidence of systemic oppression just about everywhere.”