Portland, OR  • ICBTS News

An orderly, masked throng of worshipers gathered on a Portland high school baseball field here Sunday, in socially-distanced seating that radiated out from home plate, where a bronze hypodermic needle dominated the scene.

“We’re here to give thanks,” Reverend Tim Sixtrom told the crowd.  Sixtrom, a former Episcopalian minister, has been leading worship here for seven weeks and each week sees a hundred or new members.  On this particular Sunday, at least two thousand people gave thanks for the blessings of mRNA, gain of function, the generosity of Bill Gates, and the joy of sharing their vaccinated status with friends, family, and total strangers.

“I give thanks every day for the needle!” Sixtrom shouted.  “I sing it to the hills!  I let EVERYONE know that I have been blessed with vaccination!  I root out people who are not vaccinated and I call them to repentance!”

After a rousing chorus of “Onward Jabbed Soldiers,” Sixtrom called forward recently vaccinated people who have repented of being skeptical about the cure.

“I now see the light,” one of them confessed.  “Got my  second jab last week.  Sure, the heart inflammation worries me a little, but it’s worth it, knowing that I’m showing love for the most deeply neurotic and fearful of my friends and neighbors.  We’re all in this together.”

Unfortunately, the new convert’s heart-inflammation story became the subject of a church discipline meeting — as it gave the appearance of disbelief in the vaccine.  “So sorry,” the man said, repeatedly.  “There’s so much new to learn I guess.”