Cupertino, CA ICBTS News
Dedicated Apple users intimidated by asking bright young techies a dumb question at the Genius Bar can now add spiritual self-doubt to the process. Apple Stores throughout North America will now be called “Absolution Tables,” in a move the company thinks will more accurately reflect the spiritual and intellectual dimension associated with fixing your iPad or iPhone.
“It’s okay to do dumb things with your devices,” said Imran Dissat, a public relations representative. “All we ask is that you make a full and honest confession. It’s only then we can begin to help.”
Long known for a user interface so minimalist, icon-centric, and swipe-driven, and touting a simplicity some people find inscrutable, the company has come to conclude things may not seem so easy if you need a band of geniuses (or genii) to use it.
“We believe people will process instruction better if they take responsibility for their technical spirituality,” Dissat claims. “A little humility before your device goes a long way.”
“I’m just trying to close all my apps in a hurry,” confessed one store visitor to a patient, solemn-faced young man behind the Absolution Table.
“Looking at something we shouldn’t be?” asked the absolution agent.
The young woman blushed. “Well..”
“Watch,” the young man said, patiently. “Use three fingers and swipe them upward on the multi-tasking menu and three apps disappear. Just. Like. That.”
“Wow, thank you.”
“You are welcome, and forgiven.”
Another absolution agent looked an older gentleman in the eye with a penetrating gaze.
“Were you aware the iPhone 7’s camera can lock on a focal point?”
“It can. Here’s the secret. You just need to hold your finger down for two seconds and it will lock.”
“Nice. Very handy.”
“Good things come to those who wait,” the absolution agent said, through a pastoral smile.
One woman appeared nervous, on edge, and nearly tearful waiting for an Absolution agent. She was comforted by a departing customer who was ecstatic to be holding a now fully functional iPad. “You’re going to feel so much better getting it all of your chest,” she said. “Whatever it is. Just be honest with them.”
“It’s not just about technology,” Dissat asserted. “It’s about community, and restoration. If you’ve been using your devices to ignore the environment or promote intolerant policy, we can absolve you. You just have to fess up.”