Minneapolis, Minnesota — ICBTS News

“Before We Could Even Get It Out of the Crate”

While pursuing a “time of reflection” at home in response to the Leeann Tweeden sex scandal, Senator Franken sustained a nasty injury to his left eye after attempting to sample the wares of a sex robot provided to the senator free of charge by DisheeNex Robotics, a Japanese company on the cutting edge of the escort high-tech industry.

“We believe the senator misunderstood what he was receiving,” said an unnamed spokesman for the company. “The ‘Mildred’ model is used in aversion therapy, as a way of teaching gropers appropriate behavior and impulse control.  When our technicians arrived at the Franken home, they were initially alarmed by the enthusiasm Senator Franken showed for opening the packing crate and unwrapping the unit.  Quite contrary to their instructions, the Senator began examining ‘Mildred’ in ways that it is specifically programmed to defend against.  After hearing Mildred say, politely, “that is not appreciated,” the Senator was quite amused by the resistance and got very aggressive even before we could remove her from the packing crate.  As a result, Mildred went into a defensive mode and hit the Senator quite forcefully in the face. He’s very lucky the unit wasn’t completely charged.”

Federal authorities appeared confused, when questioned, as to whether this constitutes an attack on a government official. “This is a first,” one authority said, “a total first.”

A wide range of Democratic party officials refused to comment on the incident, pointing to Senator Franken’s longstanding status as a champion of women’s rights and his erudite service on the Senate Judiciary Committee.