CHAZ District, Seattle • ICBTS News

Aging members of a song and dance troupe harking back to the Broadway Musical “Hair” (1967) were denied citizenship in the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) yesterday, as officials of the new district scrambled to set up border walls and tamper proof ID.

“To say that we’re discouraged is a major understatement,” complained Olivia Hammond, 79, who identified herself as the sister of an original cast member and the present day manager/director of the dance troupe.  “We thought this was Jupiter aligning with Mars and the dawn of a new age.  ‘Harmony and understanding?'” she asked, “‘sympathy and trust abounding? The mind’s true liberation?’  Some of these kids didn’t even know what we were talking about.”

CHAZ cultural director, Alice Whittle, 17, saw it differently.  “Okay, I checked out the Wiki on Hair and it sounds like they had their head in the right place, but there’s a stinky, corporate vibe. The whole thing seems really hetero-normative and I’m looking at these twelve Boomers with some health problems we can’t handle.  Not just boomers, but really OLD boomers.”

The troupe, which plays rest homes and community centers all over the Northwest broke out into “Let the Sunshine In” as Whittle continued her objection.  “If you are a free and independent state you have to have borders and immigration policy and I’m guessing these boomers were all just wealthy kids playing hippy on their parents’ expense accounts.”

Whittle looked peevishly at her phone as it kept ringing. “Damn it, mom,” she said. “Can you chill for three minutes?”