New York, NY — ICBTS News
In the wake of yet another act of Islamic extremist terror, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has proposed a new addition to New York public school education — surrender studies.
“Look,” said the mayor, under the weight of heavy questioning at a recent press conference, “I’m convinced we haven’t really found a way to make sure Muslim immigrants know we’re prepared to fully surrender. Raising a white flag may be a well understood symbol in our culture, but can we say that works for all cultures?”
In addition to the controversial “young artists tax,” a $1,000 transfer fee from young writers and actors trying to make it in the big city to Somali newcomers, de Blasio, has proposed a range of economic incentives for Muslims to consider avoiding jihad.
“It’s not that jihad is a bad thing,” de Blasio said, “but we’re trying to channel that jihad and give it a New York flavor: Slam someone’s hood when you cross the street and flip the bird at pushy drivers. Yell profanities. Extort them. Put out a hit if you have to, but let’s avoid the big, messy truck attack — and for non Muslims, let’s explore new and interesting ways to say ‘go ahead, walk all over me.'”
The mayor’s Surrender Studies, with components geared towards elementary, high school, and college levels, will encourage non Muslims to accept blame for global terror, memorize Q’uranic prayers, and keep an open mind about FGM. The plan requires all students to devote at least three hours a week towards receipt of a certificate and, in a move sure to cause union tension, will actually require “Rubber Room” teachers, getting paid to sit out instruction for infractions, to give surrender a second look.
Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau has heaped praises on the plan and London Mayor Sadiq Khan was even more emphatic: “It’s about time.”
I have to laugh at the dilemma you are in as a satirist these days, particularly as a 72-point disclaimer is apparently not up to the task of letting all of your readers in on the gag. This is an old problem – Malcolm Muggeridge was complaining about it sixty years ago when he was the editor of the British magazine “Punch” – but at least his readers knew that he was publishing satire. He just ran out of fake stories that were more ridiculous than real life. But even he never had to face the monumental task of trying to lampoon a politician like di Blasio. You should take up an easier hobby, like three-dimensional chess.
P.S. – I’m afraid to check if “Surrender Studies” isn’t already part of the curriculum.
I think social networking is actually a big help for the satire genre, because things can be slipped into the feed as though they were news. Half the fun of satire is getting punked. The other half seems to be how sorta true it actually is.