Washington (Rueters) – According to a new White House report, health care exchanges all over the country are seeing dramatic enrollment increases among a special kind of fortunate citizen: lottery winners.
“It’s very dramatic,” said press secretary Jay Carney, “we’re seeing increases among lottery winners by not just single percentage factors but — and I want to emphasize this — thousands of percentage points. Exchange enrollment in December already surpasses November enrollment by 7,000 percent. We think it signals great things to come.”
When pressed for the numbers underlying that percentage increase, Carney demurred. “Diving headlong into the minutia isn’t important right now. I think we just acknowledge the reality that people who were never insured before are now getting better coverage.”
Bergen County Lottery Commissioner, Phil Jenks agreed. “You take a guy like Lou Scordato, who recently won a $74 million prize. Here’s a guy who has been spraying Lysol into rental bowling shoes for the last five years, and suddenly he has a serious estate. He can’t just jack the ER system for his spastic colon issues anymore. He’s got to get coverage.”
And lottery winners, according to the White House report, are special people who “give back” to the community by hiring others to wait it out through the difficult sign up procedures. “It’s the least I can do,” said Seth Campbell of Stockton, California, a $27 million lotto winner. “I can afford to pay one of these unemployed college kids $40 an hour to wait it out on the website, and the great news is this: after four days, it worked. I’m now enrolled.”
——————————————————————————
The Preceding Material , In the Event, You Couldn’t Tell, is Satire
——————————————————————————
