VATICAN (ICBTS News)
Highly placed confidential sources close to Pope Francis may help explain the recent trip and fall incidents plaguing the holy father. He is apparently experiencing a great deal of fatigue from cosmetic surgery designed to make him look more like 1950s television star William Frawley who played the character Fred Mertz in I Love Lucy and Bub O’Casey in My Three (more…)
PEELER, IOWA (ICBTS News)
An advance team prepping for Hilary Clinton’s Tuesday appearance here awkwardly stalled and then admitted the candidate had cancelled all Sunday meetings in order to binge watch Amazon Studios “The Man in the High Castle.” Set in 1962, the period counterfactual drama, based on the novel by Philip K. Dick, asks the question, “what if the Nazis and Japanese had (more…)
Glendrop, Texas (Rooters)
The waiting paid off for 30 Glendrop University freshmen yesterday, even if they are a little ugly.
After three days of occupying the women’s locker and shower facilities at memorial stadium, university president Dale Hatch agreed to both a) resign and b) obligate the university to the construction of a horny (more…)
There’s a new gold rush on in California, and it comes with its own praise music. According to confidential industry insiders, three of Silicon Valley’s biggest technology firms are in bidding wars to buy up the nation’s largest churches.
“Not many pastors are truly entertaining,” said a stock market analyst close to the acquisition (more…)
Some years ago, I was on the phone with a woman from Minnesota. It was a January day in Southern California — a very crisp, cold 58 degrees or so. I remember how cold it was because it was one of the few days I had the impulse to (more…)
Plains, Georgia (Rooters) – Witnesses describe a disheveled Jimmy Carter sitting on the curb, explaining his side of an altercation that took place between former President Carter and his wife Rosalynn, shortly after 11 PM Sunday night.
“These things happen,” said Sergeant Ronnie ‘Ducks’ Hickson, of the Plains sheriff’s department. (more…)
Internationally famous entertainment magnate Oprah Winfrey has returned from a recent trip to Utah in a state of depression over the lack of racism on display in various retail outlets around the city of Salt Lake.
“I’ve never seen her this down,” said a source close to Oprah’s travel coordination team. (more…)
Madison, WI (Rueters) – A groundbreaking study out of Hollick University is shedding new light on the mysterious ritual of dating. In a $10 million federally funded research project, studies indicated the vast majority of men who ask a woman out on a date, only to be turned down, feel disappointment.
Boston (Rooters) – Psychologists at Mather University have just made public the results of a three year, $25 million federal study on the effects of positive, well-intended criticism: apparently, people don’t like it.
“We followed 1200 subjects,” said professor Arnold Rosen, “all of whom self-identified as people who genuinely want to improve their lives (more…)
Washington (Rueters) – According to a new White House report, health care exchanges all over the country are seeing dramatic enrollment increases among a special kind of fortunate citizen: lottery winners.
“It’s very dramatic,” said press secretary Jay Carney, “we’re seeing increases among lottery winners by not just single percentage factors but — (more…)